Last month was very difficult to face. It was a month filled with baby showers and finding out more friends were pregnant. It was a month of scheduling more doctor appointments and running more tests. And it was the month that my first baby would have been born.
I cannot even begin to tell you how difficult it was to imagine what my life could have been, should have been, during that month. I should have been going into labor, welcoming my sweet baby into this world, figuring out motherhood, celebrating with my husband and family. Instead, I watched others experience this joy in my place. Instead, I had to face the reality that I was still without child and that I had lost the most precious gift I could ever receive.
I know I’m not alone in this difficult season of life. I know there are so many women out there who have experienced the same thing. And I want to share with you what I’ve learned about mourning the loss of a baby.
You see, I mistakenly held onto some distorted hope that once I got pregnant, the pain of losing my first baby would disappear. I thought the excitement and joy of expecting another baby would cover up the pain of losing the first. I chose to look to the future dream of finally holding my baby rather than processing and understanding the reality of my loss. (I’m still not pregnant, but I finally realized that this hope was false.)
Until recently, I hadn’t grasped the brevity of what miscarriage really was. I chose to not really deal with the loss so that I didn’t have to feel more pain on top of still not being pregnant. The truth is that there is no ‘right way’ to deal with miscarriage, but I know I chose the wrong way. It took 10 months for me to finally realize that I had not truly mourned my baby’s death. It took a few conversations with godly friends, lots of prayer, and a God who knew what my heart needed.
I can now rest in the peace of knowing that my baby is with Jesus. I can rest knowing that this is the Lord’s perfect plan for my baby and my family. I can rest trusting that He protected us from something that I may never know. I can rest believing that He is sovereign, perfect, and faithful. Even though it is so unbearably difficult to understand sometimes, I know that He works all things for our good. He has a perfect plan for me and my family that is better than anything I can imagine.
I may never know if my first child was a boy or girl. I don’t know if he or she would have looked like me or my husband. I don’t know what they would have grown up to be. But I know without any doubt in my mind that my baby is dancing and playing with Jesus and is so much better off with Him. I hold onto the hope that one day, when I reach Heaven, I will meet my precious baby. And I will give him or her the hug that I never got to give here on Earth.